Music is My Muse

I always get admonished for being too mean to guys or making it too hard for them to approach me. I honestly have a good reason 95% of the time of why I choose to not pay attention to said guy. Listen up guys everything about you tells a story! From what you’re wearing, how you speak, how you walk, what corny game lines you try to spit, who you walked in the door with, what drink you ordered, what songs you danced to, the list can go on forever. All that in my brain computes into a score and call me shallow but if your score isn’t in the 90 percentile i’m not stopping my pace to listen to whatever you’re talking about. Call me mean if you want to, but I’m not into wasting time or energy on something/someone that I know I will have issues with. Of course a guy never sees what they do to get a girl to not talk to them, they are just so quick to call a girl mean or rude.

Case in point last weekend:

Guys Perspective: I drive up to my apartments parking lot. Park my car. Get out with my daughter, and proceed to walk into the building. A guy standing by his car in the parking lot sees me and says “Can I have 30 seconds of your time?”  I yell back “NO!” without even looking in his direction.
I’m sure he thought I was rude, mean, a b@itch, and everything else under the sun at that point.

My perspective: I drive up to my apartments parking lot. Backing in my car to park I spot a guy peeing in the corner outside. Uh, does he not have an apartment to do that in, but chooses do it on the side of the building in the parking lot? I say ewww and get out my car take a huge luggage bag from out my trunk (I had just came from a out of town vacation). I also pull out my daughter’s stroller and click her and her car seat into the stroller. I start walking to the building. Mind you I was noticeably struggling pushing a 20lb child and stroller with one hand and pulling a huge luggage bag with the other. I even think I was kind of sweating a little lol. Same guy who was peeing in the corner is standing next to his car with the music blasting and says “Can I have 30 seconds of your time?” NOT do you need some help, or maybe I won’t say anything since she is doing a lot right now. Of course my reaction is HELL NO you can’t have any of my time.

But of course they see none of that. So is it really my fault that I don’t want to waste my time talking to you?

#tobecontinued #thoughtsbecomethings

Disclaimer: This may be the most personal blog post i’ve EVER written!

Since I went from “homegirl” to mommy, my daughter has become my entire world. I am so grateful to be put in a position to raise another life, teach them things, show them right from wrong, to just be a parent. When I initially found out I was pregnant with my daughter by the new boy, I told the old boy about the situation and one of the things he said to me were “I’m sorry, but I can’t raise (new boy’s name) kids” I will NEVER forget that statement. It’s kind of engraved in my mind. It almost felt like he was telling me to go get an abortion. Translation to me was “We will NEVER be together”, because I will ALWAYS choose my daughter first before any man. Since that statement i’ve been in constant fear that I will never find someone who will love my daughter as their own.

When I pray, I always pray that when God does send me my husband that he loves me and my daughter unconditionally, but I feel like I will never find that. Is a man’s ego that big that he will let a child be fatherless because of their immature emotions? I do feel like my daughter does become a deal breaker in many situations i’m in with guys. Recently I had a guy go to put his number in my phone see my daughters picture on the screen saver and say never mind and hand the phone back to me. Talk about a fist to the stomach. It’s not ever a hurt for me honestly, but more of a hurt for her.

I want Simone to have a father. It hurts me so much that she doesn’t have someone she can call dad like I did. Just thinking about the relationship I have with my dad can be something she may never experience hurts me to my core. I can’t get mad at the dude for not wanting to put himself in this situation honestly. To be with me its not just one it is a package deal, and it’s something you need to be open and willing to commit to. Which I learned quite quickly from old boy before Simone was even born.

I do feel that raising someone’s else child is a very HUGE responsibility and something only a real man can step to the plate and do, hopefully Simone and I get that blessing one day. She deserves it.

When I came up with the name for this blog, it truly was something that I totally believe in. Music sets my mood, sets how I dress, how I feel, my emotion. Just my all around EVERYTHING. A great thing for sure, until a song brings me back to a place that I don’t want to remember (I have several of those). That’s a whole other blog post. Moving along.. I love listening to Pandora while I work and they played today Musiq Soulchild “So Beautiful” and boy oh boy I had to take a minute! It’s something about that song that kind of puts me in a “thinking” kind of mood. Old boy says I overthink things too much, but I mean listen to the words of the songs…

Girl, don’t you know you’re so beautiful
I wanna give all my love to you, girl
Not just tonight but the rest of your life
I wanna be always here by your side

When he sings that song it sounds so sincere. Does this type of feeling from a guy not exist anymore? Maybe I have a bit of a tainted vision since i’ve been through a few too many bad apples. I can honestly say I’ve never felt this type of feeling towards me from a man i’ve been with. Sad right. Even in my 4 year relationship with my ex I never felt this kind of love. I know it exists at some point because I see it everyday in the lives of my parents relationship. My parents met 37 years ago, so since then has it slowly got thrown out the window to just show someone you unconditionally love them. I want the type of love that I don’t have one doubt in my mind that we are in this together and we love each other unconditionally. I know a few guys maybe reading this and thinking “you probably wouldn’t believe even if we did show it”, my answer to that is if I have to doubt and ask, then it means its not being shown.

Hey, maybe its just me overthinking as usual. When I hear this song, boy oh boy it just makes me want to fall in love with someone, and have them feel the same way for me.

Sounds like a beautiful feeling, hopefully one day I will find it.

Recovering from a love I can’t get over…

Why give up before we try
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away
I can’t say I came prepared
I’m suspended in the air
Won’t you come be in the sky with me

Alicia Keys “Unthinkable”

For the last few days i’ve felt soooo beat down. To sum up my week a little. Simone got REALLY sick = NO SLEEP for 5 days. I still worked everyday and of course the week i’m going through family stuff my clients felt the need to call me everyday with their issues UGH! (sometimes you just can’t satisfy people). I started a monthly brunch called The Beautiful Brown Girls Brunch Club and boy oh boy has it been hell planning this event and then people began RSVP’ing “No” who had previously RSVP’ed “Yes” like a few days before the event which put me in a frenzy since I had to pay for a certain number of people. Which would put me in the RED money wise. At that point I had 0 sleep, hated my job, and hated the internet LOL. So needless to say by Friday I was SO through with any and everything I didn’t care to talk to anyone. I’ve never felt so beat down like that before, and I never want to let myself get to that point anymore.

morning affirmations: I’m grateful to have a job, i’m grateful that i’m a mother, i’m grateful for being able to connect women with my monthly brunch. Today is going to be a good day!

I started doing affirmations every morning, hopefully this helps!

I’m sorry i’m just a regular women. No i’m not the stiletto, tight dress wearing everyday girl that you’re looking for. I’m just a mom who takes her daughter to and from daycare everyday. I’m sorry my day isn’t filled with tons of excitement. I’m sorry the highlight of my day is making it to the gym in the morning. I’m sorry I can’t get you into every party. I just have at least 10 hours of work to complete everyday.

I’m sorry my nights aren’t filled with South Beach and the hottest parties. I just fill my nights with cooking dinner, cleaning bottles, dishes and spending quality time with my family. I’m sorry I wear jeans (or whatever is cleanest and closest to me) everyday. I’m sorry I can’t go to the best restaurants all the time. I’m perfectly fine with going to the chinese buffet as long as i’m with caring loving people. I’m sorry i’m not spending all day getting on some guestlist. I’m to busy making my to do and grocery lists for tomorrow.

I’m sorry i’m not waking up at noon. I’m sorry my alarm clock starts my day at 7:30am. No i’m not going to that industry party, i’m actually going to the carnival with my daughter. I’m sorry i’m not shopping at all the best stores. I’m sorry that i’m quite content with shopping at Ross, and Old Navy. I’m sorry I can’t drive a Benz my Dodge works perfectly fine.

I’m sorry i’m not her, but i’m NOT sorry for being me! asshole.

I want to cry all the tears for her so, she will never feel this hurt & pain from what you did to her!