Music is My Muse

Disclaimer: This may be the most personal blog post i’ve EVER written!

Since I went from “homegirl” to mommy, my daughter has become my entire world. I am so grateful to be put in a position to raise another life, teach them things, show them right from wrong, to just be a parent. When I initially found out I was pregnant with my daughter by the new boy, I told the old boy about the situation and one of the things he said to me were “I’m sorry, but I can’t raise (new boy’s name) kids” I will NEVER forget that statement. It’s kind of engraved in my mind. It almost felt like he was telling me to go get an abortion. Translation to me was “We will NEVER be together”, because I will ALWAYS choose my daughter first before any man. Since that statement i’ve been in constant fear that I will never find someone who will love my daughter as their own.

When I pray, I always pray that when God does send me my husband that he loves me and my daughter unconditionally, but I feel like I will never find that. Is a man’s ego that big that he will let a child be fatherless because of their immature emotions? I do feel like my daughter does become a deal breaker in many situations i’m in with guys. Recently I had a guy go to put his number in my phone see my daughters picture on the screen saver and say never mind and hand the phone back to me. Talk about a fist to the stomach. It’s not ever a hurt for me honestly, but more of a hurt for her.

I want Simone to have a father. It hurts me so much that she doesn’t have someone she can call dad like I did. Just thinking about the relationship I have with my dad can be something she may never experience hurts me to my core. I can’t get mad at the dude for not wanting to put himself in this situation honestly. To be with me its not just one it is a package deal, and it’s something you need to be open and willing to commit to. Which I learned quite quickly from old boy before Simone was even born.

I do feel that raising someone’s else child is a very HUGE responsibility and something only a real man can step to the plate and do, hopefully Simone and I get that blessing one day. She deserves it.