Music is My Muse

Scrap yesterday’s post. Thee boy can’t handle it. I think I set the record for “here today gone tomorrow.”

Sorry i’ve been so MIA, i’ve just been chilling on this thing called Cloud 9!

We are gonna call this guy “the boy”. Not old boy not new boy but THEE boy. It’s so funny how God works sometimes. I reached such a low place end of last month. I mean low! I started seeing this one guy end of last month & a week later found out he was married. I was SO hurt. I remember sitting in my car just balling. Not crying because I couldn’t have him, crying because I was upset at the fact that people play with others people emotions like that. Like I really wanted to pursue a relationship and he just wanted to cheat on his wife. I was so hurt after that, I remember emailing my best friend about it. I thought I was going straight looney. Maybe I was just being too emotional about being single. I prayed that night like God I’m at rock bottom right now and I need you to give me some type of hope!

Two days later the boy arrived. Out of now where. Not really out of now where but what’s funny is he had been trying to get my attention for probably three weeks or even more prior to that and I was so oblivious to it. All that time since May “it” was there. He’s been so great. He always tells me “babe your great you’re so great”. I never have to guess how he feels about me. He tells me ALL the time. He makes me feel so comfortable. He and I talk everyday and all day and just love each others company. I caught myself the other day just sitting there and tearing up like wow this is what it feels like to feel love and affection in return. I’m just in awe. Kind of teetering on like wow when is this gonna fall apart.

I’ve never been this happy in a relationship before. EVER! We aren’t together but we are exclusively dating each other and taking it slow. Very slow. No sex slow lol. I like it this way. I like this place. I want to indulge in this feeling forever so i’m savoring it dammnit. Like Michael Jackson said “sometimes you have to let it sizzle”. We’ve made it clear to each other that we are not in this to waste each others time (even pinky swear’ed abotu it haha). Wherever this goes whether it be marriage or not Thank You Lord for letting me feel this feeling!

#hov

*i’ve been blogging alot more! Happy now?

I have an issue with people saying “call me if you need me”. I know it sounds crazy right. I don’t mean just saying it to  a friend as your leaving, or to your family in passing. I’m referring to those times where someone is down or hurt or going through something and you hit them with the “call me if you need me”. You can also replace call with text, bbm, IM, email or whatever way you choose to communicate.

If I’m hurt, sad, going through something as a friend I will AUTOMATICALLY need you. It feels so much more genuine to me as a friend when they reach out to me like hey I know your down heres some words of encouragement, how can I help etc. I can’t say that I haven’t been one to say the infamous “call me if you need me line” a time or two. Something i’m trying to work on myself for sure.

Mini-Rant. #justmythoughts

When I started online dating I met this guy. Nice guy, a little too young for me, but during one of our conversations he asked “so what’s your hobbies?”. At that moment I sat and thought about what exactly is my hobbies. I had no hobbies! I felt so embarresed to say I didn’t have a hobby.

My day literally goes the same EVERY SINGLE DAY. Alarm goes off at 7:30am. I get up get the babies bottles cleaned and refilled. I put together her bag for the babysitter. I then put myself together. Which isn’t much because I just throw on my gym clothes and put my hair in a ponytail. Get the baby up and dressed. Out the door. Drop the baby to the babysitter. Go to the gym for an hour. Head home to work for the next 8 hours. Simone gets home around 5 30 and I keep her busy with her toys for about an hour so I can finish up with some work. Then its playing with Simone, bathing her and putting her to sleep. Then getting myself to sleep. Literally every day its the same thing. When do I have time for a hobby?

I made a decision that second that I was going to find a hobby. I needed some “me” time for sure! That next day The Beautiful Brown GIrls Brunch Club was born! I’m so happy that I stepped out and started this group. We are 80 strong and its such a great group of women. I’ve planned going on 4 events for the group and they’ve all been so great and just a relaxing time. Since i’ve started this event planning hobby i’ve also took on some outside work. I’m co-planning the Mashable’s Miami Social Media Day event this month. I’m also planning a few “unofficial” high school reunions. I’m so happy that that guy brought me back to reality!

My days are still usually the same, but now with a little sprinkle of something to look forward to! Whats your hobby?

I always get admonished for being too mean to guys or making it too hard for them to approach me. I honestly have a good reason 95% of the time of why I choose to not pay attention to said guy. Listen up guys everything about you tells a story! From what you’re wearing, how you speak, how you walk, what corny game lines you try to spit, who you walked in the door with, what drink you ordered, what songs you danced to, the list can go on forever. All that in my brain computes into a score and call me shallow but if your score isn’t in the 90 percentile i’m not stopping my pace to listen to whatever you’re talking about. Call me mean if you want to, but I’m not into wasting time or energy on something/someone that I know I will have issues with. Of course a guy never sees what they do to get a girl to not talk to them, they are just so quick to call a girl mean or rude.

Case in point last weekend:

Guys Perspective: I drive up to my apartments parking lot. Park my car. Get out with my daughter, and proceed to walk into the building. A guy standing by his car in the parking lot sees me and says “Can I have 30 seconds of your time?”  I yell back “NO!” without even looking in his direction.
I’m sure he thought I was rude, mean, a b@itch, and everything else under the sun at that point.

My perspective: I drive up to my apartments parking lot. Backing in my car to park I spot a guy peeing in the corner outside. Uh, does he not have an apartment to do that in, but chooses do it on the side of the building in the parking lot? I say ewww and get out my car take a huge luggage bag from out my trunk (I had just came from a out of town vacation). I also pull out my daughter’s stroller and click her and her car seat into the stroller. I start walking to the building. Mind you I was noticeably struggling pushing a 20lb child and stroller with one hand and pulling a huge luggage bag with the other. I even think I was kind of sweating a little lol. Same guy who was peeing in the corner is standing next to his car with the music blasting and says “Can I have 30 seconds of your time?” NOT do you need some help, or maybe I won’t say anything since she is doing a lot right now. Of course my reaction is HELL NO you can’t have any of my time.

But of course they see none of that. So is it really my fault that I don’t want to waste my time talking to you?

#tobecontinued #thoughtsbecomethings

Disclaimer: This may be the most personal blog post i’ve EVER written!

Since I went from “homegirl” to mommy, my daughter has become my entire world. I am so grateful to be put in a position to raise another life, teach them things, show them right from wrong, to just be a parent. When I initially found out I was pregnant with my daughter by the new boy, I told the old boy about the situation and one of the things he said to me were “I’m sorry, but I can’t raise (new boy’s name) kids” I will NEVER forget that statement. It’s kind of engraved in my mind. It almost felt like he was telling me to go get an abortion. Translation to me was “We will NEVER be together”, because I will ALWAYS choose my daughter first before any man. Since that statement i’ve been in constant fear that I will never find someone who will love my daughter as their own.

When I pray, I always pray that when God does send me my husband that he loves me and my daughter unconditionally, but I feel like I will never find that. Is a man’s ego that big that he will let a child be fatherless because of their immature emotions? I do feel like my daughter does become a deal breaker in many situations i’m in with guys. Recently I had a guy go to put his number in my phone see my daughters picture on the screen saver and say never mind and hand the phone back to me. Talk about a fist to the stomach. It’s not ever a hurt for me honestly, but more of a hurt for her.

I want Simone to have a father. It hurts me so much that she doesn’t have someone she can call dad like I did. Just thinking about the relationship I have with my dad can be something she may never experience hurts me to my core. I can’t get mad at the dude for not wanting to put himself in this situation honestly. To be with me its not just one it is a package deal, and it’s something you need to be open and willing to commit to. Which I learned quite quickly from old boy before Simone was even born.

I do feel that raising someone’s else child is a very HUGE responsibility and something only a real man can step to the plate and do, hopefully Simone and I get that blessing one day. She deserves it.

When I came up with the name for this blog, it truly was something that I totally believe in. Music sets my mood, sets how I dress, how I feel, my emotion. Just my all around EVERYTHING. A great thing for sure, until a song brings me back to a place that I don’t want to remember (I have several of those). That’s a whole other blog post. Moving along.. I love listening to Pandora while I work and they played today Musiq Soulchild “So Beautiful” and boy oh boy I had to take a minute! It’s something about that song that kind of puts me in a “thinking” kind of mood. Old boy says I overthink things too much, but I mean listen to the words of the songs…

Girl, don’t you know you’re so beautiful
I wanna give all my love to you, girl
Not just tonight but the rest of your life
I wanna be always here by your side

When he sings that song it sounds so sincere. Does this type of feeling from a guy not exist anymore? Maybe I have a bit of a tainted vision since i’ve been through a few too many bad apples. I can honestly say I’ve never felt this type of feeling towards me from a man i’ve been with. Sad right. Even in my 4 year relationship with my ex I never felt this kind of love. I know it exists at some point because I see it everyday in the lives of my parents relationship. My parents met 37 years ago, so since then has it slowly got thrown out the window to just show someone you unconditionally love them. I want the type of love that I don’t have one doubt in my mind that we are in this together and we love each other unconditionally. I know a few guys maybe reading this and thinking “you probably wouldn’t believe even if we did show it”, my answer to that is if I have to doubt and ask, then it means its not being shown.

Hey, maybe its just me overthinking as usual. When I hear this song, boy oh boy it just makes me want to fall in love with someone, and have them feel the same way for me.

Sounds like a beautiful feeling, hopefully one day I will find it.